Suppressed

NO.
The recipient of the purest piece of my heart.
The male counterpart that completed the experience of my youth.

The pain I felt when you made the disclosure
lead me to instinctively... immediately encase you in my embrace
Creating a protective enclosure to shield you from the atrocities of the life experienced as a younger you.

I may not be bulletproof, but I want to lessen the impact of any more blows that life can impose
NO. Not you.
Initially I refused to ingest the truth as I didn't want to believe that anyone close to me could undergo such trauma.
As if i needed some sort of proof

NO. Not on my doorstep.
this was NOT the life you willingly chose.

Mouth down turned. Eyes closed.

This explains so much.
The emotional stability you so desperately craved
and the blows that shattered MY emotional stability - the blows you gave.

The absence of tenderness, and presence of hostility and impatience where it wasn't warranted.

The need to prove to the world that you were all man, and worthy of me.
The impact made every time you attempted this, but still, you were consumed by inferiority.
Complex. But I was perplexed because to me it seemed "it could all be so simple".

The need to act recklessly at the party and brazenly hold the waist of the nearest floozy... and then turn to look at me.

NO.
The sting of salty fluid gathering from beneath my eyelids.
Turned away.
The sudden change in temperature as the uninvited breeze cut through the air, but frustratingly failed to cut through the tension, instead choosing to cause my hairs to stand on end.
Took far too much energy to pretend so I changed my positioning on the wall, turned to face you
Your eyes steadily focused everywhere except on mine
Rubbed your back. Lay my head on your shoulder.
Grabbed your calloused hand, held you tight.
Thinking "this isn't right".

Vowed from that day to recognise that everyone has a story
I realised that many may not be revealed.. Too much. Too painful. Memories best Suppressed.
But you chose to disclose with me what you never had. To any.. other.. human soul.
Racking my brains, searching for logical reasons why you revealed this to me.

A means of relief?
Was it brought back to the forefront of your mind due to recent events that I was unaware of?
Or was it... not an excuse, but... Justification?

Your apology to me... for not being equipped to love me properly?